Lucky Comb
by AWHOCKEYPUCKS
Summary: Kendall learns the consequences of breaking James' lucky comb. This is a JOKE, people. If you can't handle twisted humor than I suggest you don't click on it. M for language and violence.


Kendall stared at the broken lucky comb in his hands and then looked up to see James' pissed off face.

"I'm sorry," Kendall said. "I didn't mean to break it!"

"It's okay," James said. "That's the same thing I'll tell people when they find your body."

Suddenly, James pulled out a chainsaw from his pants. He turned it on and it went RUMMMBAAAA. Kendall didn't even have time to process what was happening before James cut both of his hands off, watching as what was once part of his body fell with a disgusting thud to the floor, the broken comb bouncing out of what used to be his palms.

"JAMES. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU JUST CUT MY HANDS OFF."

"You bet I did," James said seriously. He then rumbaed-d the chainsaw again and started cutting off Kendall's right arm.

"JAMES WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS MAN. WHY DID YOU CUT OFF MY ARM?"

"BECAUSE YOU CUT MY LUCKY COMB IN HALF!" James said, not hesitating in cutting off Kendall's left arm.

Kendall began to sob, watching as another of his limbs fell to the floor with a sickening thud. "I didn't mean to, it was an accident!"

James pretended to trip, cutting off Kendall's left leg in the process. The blonde boy staggered and fell to the ground where the rest of his limbs were, each separate piece bleeding profusely. "I didn't mean to," James said, mocking Kendall's voice. "It was an accident!"

Kendall never realized James could be this attached to a comb. He also never realized he would ever become detached from his limbs.

James started to laugh maniacally as he proceeded to cut off Kendall's other leg. "HAHA BITCH. WHAT NOW, WHAT NOW? THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO BREAK MY LUCKY COMB, YOU STUPID LITTLE FUCKNUGGET!"

James raised the chainsaw over his head, preparing to cut Kendall's head off.

"WAIT!" Kendall said, and James stopped for a moment.

"What?" The taller boy asked, staring down at his dismembered ex-best friend.

"Tell Jo…I never loved her. Tell her that I was secretly gay for you. She deserves to know." He said, a tear falling from his eye.

A tear fell from James' own eye as well, falling on one of Kendall's bloody dismembered legs. "Kendall, I-I didn't know about your feelings for me. If I did, I wouldn't have—"

"Shh," Kendall said. "It's okay. Just take me to the hospital where I can get prosthetic limbs and then, my love, we can be together. It will never be the same, but we can make it work. Together." He finished gay-ly.

"What the fuck?" James said. "You thought I was going to proclaim my undying love for you?"

Kendall nodded, his large and bushy eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Why else would you say, 'If I did, I wouldn't have?' Doesn't that mean 'If I did, I wouldn't have cut all of your limbs off?'"

James laughed. "Fuck no. That means, 'if I did, I wouldn't have been friends with you for so long. I would have killed you a long time ago.'"

"Oh," Kendall said, cheeks flushing in embarrassment. _Well this is awkward…_ he thought silently to himself.

James shrugged. "With all due respect, you're pretty cool for a faggot. I don't blame you for falling in love with me. I'm hard to resist, what with my dashing good looks and amazing hair.

"Speaking of hair…" James trailed off. He then rose the chainsaw high in the air again, and brought it down to Kendall's neck, cutting the boy's head off in one foul swoop.

Just then, Mrs. Knight, Katie, Carlos and Logan walked in, taking in Kendall's mangled corpse and the various limbs and body parts strewn across the room.

"What the fuck happened here?" Mrs. Knight said, staring at James and her dead son.

James dropped the chainsaw, smiling. "He broke my lucky comb and then confessed that he was in love with me. He had to be disposed of."

Carlos, Logan and Katie nodded in understanding. "Oh," Mrs. Knight said, still staring at Kendall's corpse. "Well in that case, thank you, James. You have lifted such a heavy weight off of my shoulders. Once I found out Kendall's father was gay, I killed him in the same way."

Katie ran forward and hugged James, who had some of Kendall's blood on him. "Thank you, James. You've rid my family of my annoying brother. You are so incredibly handsome and smart. Will you be my new brother?"

James laughed, smiling brightly. "Well, I am in need of a family after I killed mine…so sure, why not?"

"Can we be part of your family too?" Carlos and Logan asked simultaneously.

James only laughed again. "Of course you can, my little leprechaun friends! I have to kill your families first, though."

"Please do!" They said together again, both rushing forward to hug James tightly.

All of them smiling, Mrs. Knight, Katie Knight, James Knight, Carlos Knight, and Logan Knight all left Kendall Knight's body behind, leaving apartment 2J in search for more fun weapons and maybe a bit of ice cream.

Kendall's mangled body was left forgotten in 2J, the blood flowing from what used to be parts of him finally coming to a stop. The crimson liquid completely covered the floor of the apartment, making it look as though Kendall was floating in a river of red.

Several hours later, the smell of Kendall's rotten corpse was bothering the other guests, so Mr. Bitters went to apartment 2J to see what the source of the horrid smell was. Upon discovering Kendall's dead body, his eyes widened in shock, and his mouth began watering.

"DINNER!" He screamed, slamming the apartment's door behind him and locking it. He then proceeded to build a campfire in the Big Time Rush boys' crib, and continued to cook Kendall's limbs and body over it. And then, like the cannibal Bitters was, he started eating the cooked parts of who used to be Kendall Knight.

Gustavo and Kelly supported James fully with his decision to brutally murder Kendall, and they proceeded to rename the band 'Big Time Homophobes,' who became famous after their chart-topping single _I Don't Want Your Dick Up My Ass, Boy_. Their album, titled _There Will Be No 1__st__, 2__nd__, or 3__rd__ Base If You're a Pitcher or Catcher_, went platinum and the boys became rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Then Kendall came back to haunt them, rape them all, and kill them brutally.

_Fin._

_Yeah so I know that this is pretty disturbing. It's 'iight. And beeteedubs, I'm not a homophobe or shit. This just came to me. And obv. It's your fault for reading this, so don't give me shit in reviews._

_-Ho_


End file.
